If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
