I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
