So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
