either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
