Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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