A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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