You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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