I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
