and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
