I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
