Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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