I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
