I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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