dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
