I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
