do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
