they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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