i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
