eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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