He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I want to be your penis for a week.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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