i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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