i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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