Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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