just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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