he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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