Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Vodka?
Forever.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
