I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
