this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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