Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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