Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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