I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
