Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
