The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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