I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
