so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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