I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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