Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize