Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
