I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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