I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
