Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
