I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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