I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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