Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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