So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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