Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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