Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Alive.
So much puke
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
