Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
