I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
