smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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