i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize