I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
