Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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