I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
