well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
